All three of you may have already noticed that Automaton has been more than a bit defunct lately. Well, believe it or not, we’re working on fixing that… And what better way to claw and scratch your way back into existence than by picking on Jason Lee and his team of functionally retarded chipmunks? Yeah, that’s what we thought, too.

While I can’t say I buy that the world was even clamoring for a relaunch of the fabled Alvin & The Chipmunks franchise in the first place, I can most definitely say absolutely no one was hoping for this cinematic abortion to take place. Guess what, Hollywood: Making classic children’s characters “street” was a bad idea that died with the 90’s, and more people mourned Hitler passing. One can only assume the mental giants behind this decision thought the Chipmunks needed to be more “proactive”, a “totally outrageous paradigm”, and have never seen an episode of The Simpsons in their entire God-forsaken lives. I seriously weep for poor Alvin and company. I’ve found pieces of chipmunks on my tires that met a better fate than this.

And Jason Lee, what on Earth are you thinking? I ignored the whole Scientology kick (it certainly hasn’t stopped Giovanni Ribisi from being a total man), and I even managed to look on the bright side of you being the voice of a superhero dog… But aiding and abetting this crime against humanity is damn near unforgivable. Please wake up, Jason. This is the sort of career path that leads to you buying the Elephant Man’s bones, and enduring long, arduous trials for fondling Macaulay Culkin. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

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